Arsenal Jokes :P
Why do people take an instant dislike to Arsenal ??
It saves time.
Why do Arsenal fans whistle on the toilet ??
So they know which end to wipe.
Why do Arsenal men like smart women ??
Opposites attract.
What do you call an Arsenal fan in a 3 bedroom semi ??
A burglar.
What do you say to an Arsenal fan with a job ??
"can I have a Big Mac!"
What do you call an Arsenal fan in a suit ??
The accused.
Did you hear about the Conservative MP who was found dead in an Arsenal strip?
The police had to dress him up in women's underwear in order to save his family from the embarassment.
Did you hear the one about the kid who asked for a cowboy outfit for Christmas ??
His Dad got him an Arsenal kit.
What do you call an Arsenal fan with half a brain ??
Gifted.
How do the braincells of an Arsenal fan die ??
Alone.
How do you make an Arsenal fan's eyes light up ??
Shine a torch in his ears.
Why should you not allow Arsenal fans a coffee break at work ??
Because it takes too long to retrain them.
What do you call the Arsenal team standing ear to ear ??
A wind tunnel.
Why did the Arsenal fan get sacked from the M & M factory ??
He kept throwing out the W's.
What do you call a fly inside an Arsenal fans head ??
A Space Invader.
A is for Arse, a team that's truly awful
B is for Boring, boring boring Arsen*l
C is for Corruption, bung and all
D is for Donkey, who can't kick a ball
E is for Endsleigh, that's where they belong
F is for Fine, they'll be paying another before long
G is for Graham, the most successful chief
H is for Ha Ha Ha, he was really a thief
I is for Incidents, in a past they can't bury
J is for Jensen, who didn't score too many
K is for Kill, that's what they do to the game
L is for Laugh, when they bring it into shame
M is for Merson, who sniffed up a line
N is for Nayim, from the half way line
O is for Offside, their favourite tactic
P is for Paris, and we were ecstatique
Q is for Quick, get past the back four
R is for Rubbish, 'cos they're really that poor
S is for Sunday, in April '91
T is for Tottenham, who beat the scum 3-1
U is for Ugly, so much of it, it should really be in a bank
W is for Wank, Ian Wank, Wank, Wank
Y is for Why, are they such a big bore
Z is for Zero, 'cos that's all that they score
Q. How long has Tony Adams played for Arsen*l?
A. Donkeys years.
Q. How many Arsen*l players does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Eleven - one to change it and ten to play the offside trap.
Heard the one about David Seaman? He never keeps a clean sheet.
When Gazza scored at Wembley, Seaman was all over the place.
Q. What's the difference between Paul Merson and the rest of the Arsen*l team?
A. One takes dope and the rest are dopes.
Q. What have Paul Merson and a can of Coca Cola got in common?
A. Their both red and white and full of coke.
Q. Why is the pitch at Highb*ry so green?
A. Because they keep putting lots of shit on it.
Q. Where do Arsen*l players / fans go to die?
A. (Answer needed, apply within)
Q. Where do Arsen*l players / fans go on holiday?
A. (Answer needed, apply within)
666 - The number of the beast. 6 - The number of the donkey.
Q. How come Arsen*l fans don't fall asleep during a match?
A. The smell of their ground keeps them awake.
Q. What's the highest selling item in the Arsen*l souvenir shop?
A. Pro-plus (sleep repellant).
Q. What's the second highest selling item in the Arsen*l souvenir shop?
A. Horlicks.
Knock Knock.
Who's there?
George.
George who?
You're on the jury!
Q. What is the difference between Paul Merson and a former Arsen*l player, surname George?
A. One Charlie shoots, the other shoots Charlie.
Q. What is the difference between Jon Pertwee and Ray Parlour?
A. Ray Parlour still looks like Worzel Gummidge.
Q. At Highb*ry, what is the difference between the words 'disciplinary' and 'football'?
A. 'Disciplinary' is the only one associated with the word 'action'.
One day Tom Thumb, Snow White, and Quasimodo are sitting around talking. All of the sudden Tom Thumb says, "You know, how do I know I'm the world's smallest man? Maybe I'm NOT the world's smallest man". And he got very depressed.
Then Snow White says, "How do I know I'm the most beautiful woman in the world? Perhaps there is someone more beautiful than me!" And she got very depressed.
Quasimodo then said, 'How do I know I'm the world's ugliest person? Maybe there is someone uglier than me!" And he, too, sank into depression.
One week later the three were all killed in a car crash. While in Heaven's waiting room, they were all entitled to a private conference with God, who would answer for them one question. After Tom Thumb's conference, he came out smiling and said, "It's all right, I am the world's smallest man". Snow White left God's chamber smiling also, "It's ok,"
she said, "I am the fairest of them all". Quasimodo came out of his conference scratching his head. He looked at the others and asked, "Who the hell is Martin Keown?"
Two boys are playing football in a park in London when one of them is attacked by a rottweiler. Thinking quickly, his friend rips a plank of wood from a fence, forces it into the dog's collar and twists it, breaking the dog's neck. All the while, a newspaper reporter who was taking a stroll through the park is watching. He rushes over, introduces himself and takes out his pad and pencil to start his story for the next edition.
He writes, "Spurs fan saves friend from vicious animal."
The boy interrupts: "But I'm not a Spurs fan."
The reporter starts again: "QPR fan saves friend from horrific attack."
The boy interrupts again: "I'm not a Rangers fan either."
The reporter asks: "Who do you support, then?" "Arsenal," replies the boy.
So the reporter starts again: "Gooner git kills family pet"
A Spurs fan and an Ars*nal fan get into a car accident, and it's a bad one.
Both cars (with football stickers on windows) are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, the Spurs fan says, "So you're an Ars*nal fan, that's interesting. I'm a Spurs fan... Wow! Just look at our cars, there's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days."
The Ars*nal fan replied," I agree with you completely; this must be a sign from God!
The Spurs fan continued, "And look at this - here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of whisky didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this and celebrate our good fortune."
Then he hands the bottle to the Ars*nal fan.
The Ars*nal fan nods his head in agreement, opens it and takes a few big swigs from the bottle, then handing it back to the Spurs fan.
The Spurs fan takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the Ars*nal fan.
The Ars*nal fan asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The Spurs fan replies, "No. I think I will just wait for the police..."
There was a Yiddo, a Scum fan and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage on a train. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and, as it was an old style train, there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark. Then there was this kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap.
When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Yiddo were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Scum fan had his hand against his face as if he had been hit hard.
The Scum fan was thinking: 'That Yiddo must have kissed Claudia Schiffer who went to slap him, missed him and slapped me instead.'
Claudia Schiffer was thinking: 'That Scum fan must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Yiddo and got slapped for it.'
And the Yiddo was thinking: 'This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make another kissing noise and hit that Scum bastard again, harder.'
A Spurs fan, a Watford fan and a Scum fan came across a nude, dead woman in the street. They called the police and then, for decency, decided to cover her up.
The Spurs fan put his cap over one breast, the Watford fan put his cap over the other, and the Gooner put his cap "down below".
When the police arrived they needed to examine the body. The policeman lifted the Spurs cap and looked at one breast, then he lifted the Watford cap and examined the other. He then walked away from the body.
The Spurs fan said: "Aren't you going to examine "down below?"
"Nope", The copper replied, "I already know that under every Arsenal cap is a cunt!"
Arsene Wenger was to meet his new girlfriend outside the Cinema at 7pm, at 9pm she had still not arrived, so he went home furious. He phoned her up and said "what the fuck's going on? I waited for Two hours in the cold." She said, "I am not going out with you now, we are finished".
"Why?" He asked. She replied "One of my friends said you are a Paedophile."
"A Paedophile?" cried Wenger, "that's a big word for a Seven year old!!"
Whats the difference between an Arsenal fan and a trampoline?
You take your shoes off to jump on the trampoline.
Why are Arsenal going to sack Wenger?
Because he keeps putting Seaman into the Youth team.
A woman buys a car in London. On her way home she notices that only one radio station works. She immediatly turns the car around and heads back to the dealer.
"Oi," she says, "the bleedin' radio in this motor doesn't work! It only receives one station!"
The dealer replies, "It's voice activated. You tell it want kind of music you want to listen to, and it automatically changes."
This satisfies the woman, who immediately gets back into the car and drives for home. On the way, she says, "Classical..."
The car radio automatically switches to classical music.
She then says, "rock and roll..."
The car radio automatically switches to a Rolling Stones tune.
Again she speaks to the car radio...
"Country Music..."
The car radio automatically switches to a Garth Brooks song.
Right then, a guy in a Jag pulls in front of her and cuts her off...
"Wanker!!!!" she screams.
The car radio automatically switches to an Arse match on Capital "Gooner" Gold.
Why do people take an instant dislike to Arsenal ??
It saves time.
Why do Arsenal fans whistle on the toilet ??
So they know which end to wipe.
Why do Arsenal men like smart women ??
Opposites attract.
What do you call an Arsenal fan in a 3 bedroom semi ??
A burglar.
What do you say to an Arsenal fan with a job ??
"can I have a Big Mac!"
What do you call an Arsenal fan in a suit ??
The accused.
Did you hear about the Conservative MP who was found dead in an Arsenal strip?
The police had to dress him up in women's underwear in order to save his family from the embarassment.
Did you hear the one about the kid who asked for a cowboy outfit for Christmas ??
His Dad got him an Arsenal kit.
What do you call an Arsenal fan with half a brain ??
Gifted.
How do the braincells of an Arsenal fan die ??
Alone.
How do you make an Arsenal fan's eyes light up ??
Shine a torch in his ears.
Why should you not allow Arsenal fans a coffee break at work ??
Because it takes too long to retrain them.
What do you call the Arsenal team standing ear to ear ??
A wind tunnel.
Why did the Arsenal fan get sacked from the M & M factory ??
He kept throwing out the W's.
What do you call a fly inside an Arsenal fans head ??
A Space Invader.
A is for Arse, a team that's truly awful
B is for Boring, boring boring Arsen*l
C is for Corruption, bung and all
D is for Donkey, who can't kick a ball
E is for Endsleigh, that's where they belong
F is for Fine, they'll be paying another before long
G is for Graham, the most successful chief
H is for Ha Ha Ha, he was really a thief
I is for Incidents, in a past they can't bury
J is for Jensen, who didn't score too many
K is for Kill, that's what they do to the game
L is for Laugh, when they bring it into shame
M is for Merson, who sniffed up a line
N is for Nayim, from the half way line
O is for Offside, their favourite tactic
P is for Paris, and we were ecstatique
Q is for Quick, get past the back four
R is for Rubbish, 'cos they're really that poor
S is for Sunday, in April '91
T is for Tottenham, who beat the scum 3-1
U is for Ugly, so much of it, it should really be in a bank
W is for Wank, Ian Wank, Wank, Wank
Y is for Why, are they such a big bore
Z is for Zero, 'cos that's all that they score
Q. How long has Tony Adams played for Arsen*l?
A. Donkeys years.
Q. How many Arsen*l players does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Eleven - one to change it and ten to play the offside trap.
Heard the one about David Seaman? He never keeps a clean sheet.
When Gazza scored at Wembley, Seaman was all over the place.
Q. What's the difference between Paul Merson and the rest of the Arsen*l team?
A. One takes dope and the rest are dopes.
Q. What have Paul Merson and a can of Coca Cola got in common?
A. Their both red and white and full of coke.
Q. Why is the pitch at Highb*ry so green?
A. Because they keep putting lots of shit on it.
Q. Where do Arsen*l players / fans go to die?
A. (Answer needed, apply within)
Q. Where do Arsen*l players / fans go on holiday?
A. (Answer needed, apply within)
666 - The number of the beast. 6 - The number of the donkey.
Q. How come Arsen*l fans don't fall asleep during a match?
A. The smell of their ground keeps them awake.
Q. What's the highest selling item in the Arsen*l souvenir shop?
A. Pro-plus (sleep repellant).
Q. What's the second highest selling item in the Arsen*l souvenir shop?
A. Horlicks.
Knock Knock.
Who's there?
George.
George who?
You're on the jury!
Q. What is the difference between Paul Merson and a former Arsen*l player, surname George?
A. One Charlie shoots, the other shoots Charlie.
Q. What is the difference between Jon Pertwee and Ray Parlour?
A. Ray Parlour still looks like Worzel Gummidge.
Q. At Highb*ry, what is the difference between the words 'disciplinary' and 'football'?
A. 'Disciplinary' is the only one associated with the word 'action'.
One day Tom Thumb, Snow White, and Quasimodo are sitting around talking. All of the sudden Tom Thumb says, "You know, how do I know I'm the world's smallest man? Maybe I'm NOT the world's smallest man". And he got very depressed.
Then Snow White says, "How do I know I'm the most beautiful woman in the world? Perhaps there is someone more beautiful than me!" And she got very depressed.
Quasimodo then said, 'How do I know I'm the world's ugliest person? Maybe there is someone uglier than me!" And he, too, sank into depression.
One week later the three were all killed in a car crash. While in Heaven's waiting room, they were all entitled to a private conference with God, who would answer for them one question. After Tom Thumb's conference, he came out smiling and said, "It's all right, I am the world's smallest man". Snow White left God's chamber smiling also, "It's ok,"
she said, "I am the fairest of them all". Quasimodo came out of his conference scratching his head. He looked at the others and asked, "Who the hell is Martin Keown?"
Two boys are playing football in a park in London when one of them is attacked by a rottweiler. Thinking quickly, his friend rips a plank of wood from a fence, forces it into the dog's collar and twists it, breaking the dog's neck. All the while, a newspaper reporter who was taking a stroll through the park is watching. He rushes over, introduces himself and takes out his pad and pencil to start his story for the next edition.
He writes, "Spurs fan saves friend from vicious animal."
The boy interrupts: "But I'm not a Spurs fan."
The reporter starts again: "QPR fan saves friend from horrific attack."
The boy interrupts again: "I'm not a Rangers fan either."
The reporter asks: "Who do you support, then?" "Arsenal," replies the boy.
So the reporter starts again: "Gooner git kills family pet"
A Spurs fan and an Ars*nal fan get into a car accident, and it's a bad one.
Both cars (with football stickers on windows) are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, the Spurs fan says, "So you're an Ars*nal fan, that's interesting. I'm a Spurs fan... Wow! Just look at our cars, there's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days."
The Ars*nal fan replied," I agree with you completely; this must be a sign from God!
The Spurs fan continued, "And look at this - here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of whisky didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this and celebrate our good fortune."
Then he hands the bottle to the Ars*nal fan.
The Ars*nal fan nods his head in agreement, opens it and takes a few big swigs from the bottle, then handing it back to the Spurs fan.
The Spurs fan takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the Ars*nal fan.
The Ars*nal fan asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The Spurs fan replies, "No. I think I will just wait for the police..."
There was a Yiddo, a Scum fan and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage on a train. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and, as it was an old style train, there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark. Then there was this kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap.
When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Yiddo were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Scum fan had his hand against his face as if he had been hit hard.
The Scum fan was thinking: 'That Yiddo must have kissed Claudia Schiffer who went to slap him, missed him and slapped me instead.'
Claudia Schiffer was thinking: 'That Scum fan must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Yiddo and got slapped for it.'
And the Yiddo was thinking: 'This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make another kissing noise and hit that Scum bastard again, harder.'
A Spurs fan, a Watford fan and a Scum fan came across a nude, dead woman in the street. They called the police and then, for decency, decided to cover her up.
The Spurs fan put his cap over one breast, the Watford fan put his cap over the other, and the Gooner put his cap "down below".
When the police arrived they needed to examine the body. The policeman lifted the Spurs cap and looked at one breast, then he lifted the Watford cap and examined the other. He then walked away from the body.
The Spurs fan said: "Aren't you going to examine "down below?"
"Nope", The copper replied, "I already know that under every Arsenal cap is a cunt!"
Arsene Wenger was to meet his new girlfriend outside the Cinema at 7pm, at 9pm she had still not arrived, so he went home furious. He phoned her up and said "what the fuck's going on? I waited for Two hours in the cold." She said, "I am not going out with you now, we are finished".
"Why?" He asked. She replied "One of my friends said you are a Paedophile."
"A Paedophile?" cried Wenger, "that's a big word for a Seven year old!!"
Whats the difference between an Arsenal fan and a trampoline?
You take your shoes off to jump on the trampoline.
Why are Arsenal going to sack Wenger?
Because he keeps putting Seaman into the Youth team.
A woman buys a car in London. On her way home she notices that only one radio station works. She immediatly turns the car around and heads back to the dealer.
"Oi," she says, "the bleedin' radio in this motor doesn't work! It only receives one station!"
The dealer replies, "It's voice activated. You tell it want kind of music you want to listen to, and it automatically changes."
This satisfies the woman, who immediately gets back into the car and drives for home. On the way, she says, "Classical..."
The car radio automatically switches to classical music.
She then says, "rock and roll..."
The car radio automatically switches to a Rolling Stones tune.
Again she speaks to the car radio...
"Country Music..."
The car radio automatically switches to a Garth Brooks song.
Right then, a guy in a Jag pulls in front of her and cuts her off...
"Wanker!!!!" she screams.
The car radio automatically switches to an Arse match on Capital "Gooner" Gold.
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